You're Getting Ahead of Me!

So, let me preface this with, I am a HUGE control freak! I know, I know, big shocker there right?! I like things my way, who doesn't? I like definite, I like answers, I like goals, guidelines, schedules, and I generally want to know the outcome before the end! See my issues?! Know what they make hard for me? Faith! That's what! Oh, I have faith! I know there is a bigger plan that I don't know and I know that is a great plan! Jeremiah 29:11 promises me this and that is the verse I dedicated to my son in the 6th grade! I believe 100% with all my heart that it's true! The problem is me… I have too many but what? but when? but how? but why? Lord! Please! I cannot live like this! He is too far away from me, I cannot touch him, I cannot smell him (Sometimes that's a good thing), his room is empty, I have no one to argue with, there is a hole in my heart that only he can fill! Why did I have to send him to his dad's with absolutely no idea as to if/when he'll come back to live with us again. What will his new life look like in Tennessee? What's if this? What if that? What about this?? See where this is going? This is in my head 24/7.

Now, when he left I cried and cried and cried some more. Then, I went through a period of anger. Today I woke up feeling defeated! The truth is I have struggled with that particular feeling since the day we decided that the best thing for him was to move to be with his dad so that they could develop a relationship. I still believe that's in his best interest! But, my heart and my head don't agree on this issue.  So, I put a smile on my face and I go about my normal routine. I have other kids here to so I cannot just break down and lose my mind. I don't have time to be depressed!

But, this morning I just could not help it! I dropped Britt off at cheer and I drove to the park to walk/jog for an hour like I always do and I could not get into it! It was so bad I even wrote my husband to tell him that I just could not get motivated and that I really think I am fighting off depression! Then I started praying. "Lord, please give me the strength to make it through this hour! I really don't want to be here right now and I am dragging! I normally do 4 1/2 miles in and hour and here it's been half an hour and I have not even gone 2 miles yet!" That was my "loud prayer"… my "silent prayer" in the back of my mind that I really didn't want to turn over to God yet because it would mean that I was doubting Him… and I don't want Him to think that i am doubting (silly, He knows!) was "Lord, I don't have time for depression! You gave me the answer and I let him go! Now help me deal with it!" (I am sure I repeated that whole first paragraph of this blog to him as well… I was just whining it all out there to him! I think I threw in a "and Robert's been in Africa this whole time. I just really needed to be held and there was no one there!" Truth is I have great friends and they all reached out… but I needed more, I just wanted him.)

And then I heard it… I am not a subtle nudge or wind kinda girl! I need to hear trumpets and a tornado… and every now and then I get it! ;)
I heard it this morning!

God: Slow down!
Me: Lord, If I slow down I might as well go back to the car! I don't really want to be here anyway!
God: You are getting ahead of me! Slow down! You are going to finish this STRONG!
Me: Umm… Lord, I don't know if you have been watching so far… but I am barely crawling at this point and I have barely made it 1/2 way around this track! I may finish, but I doubt it'll be very "strong'!  In fact, I am not even gonna finish. When I get back around to my car, I am going home! Wait?! What do you mean I am getting ahead of you?"

Then in my earpiece I heard the beautiful words of Seri telling me that I had made it to the 3rd mile marker in 44 minutes. I looked at my time and saw that I still had 16 minutes left to go. I guess I wasn't doing quite as bad as I thought. Then the 2nd voice came on saying I had reached my "step-goal" for the day!

When they finished talking to me Never Surrender by Skillet started playing and I started laughing! "Okay, I hear you Lord! You weren't talking about my run were you?! You heard my "silent prayer" and you met me where I was. Even though I didn't technically ask! And even though I was trying not to hear you!" I didn't just walk that last lap. I jogged… and I jogged more than I have been able to on any of my other trips to that park.

Never Surrender"

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender

Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
to wanna surrender?

[Chorus]

Make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
Put me back together.

[Chorus]

Put me back together,
Never surrender,
Make me feel better.
You make me feel better,
Stay with me here now,
And never surrender. 

Moms, Are You Worth It?

Like most moms out there I too am last on the list. Not last on my Husbands list, he adores me and spoils me! Not on my children's list, they love me! But on my own list. Can you relate?

I am not writing to complain about it. I love my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world!!! I am writing because I had a very profound ah-ha! moment and a pretty good laugh at how little time I actually devote to myself and I figured I'd share it because I KNOW (!!!) I am not alone!

How many times do you look at your watch and then do the math? "Okay, if I hurry right now I have just enough time to turn the shower water on turn around in the water about 2.75 times with some body wash on a scrubby and pray that I don't miss any parts and I smell half way decent on the other side... if not... well, I tried!" or "Okay, I have just enough time to get in and get clean! No hair washing or shaving... just soap and scrub!" or "I have time to wash the hair but not shave the legs!" Or .... you get the point. Maybe sometimes it's "I have plenty of time, but _____ really needs to be done and I haven't had time to do that so if I just do a quick in and out...!"

Well, today, by 12:45, I had made a dress, cleaned the pool, cleaned the kitchen, done 4 loads of laundry and dinner was fully cooked and waiting for supper after the kids get home and we fly out of the house to 3 different ballparks. (did I mention that Robert is gone for 6 weeks?) There is plenty more to do around here trust me! I could work the next 8746873846387 hours and never even catch up probably! LOL!

During all my activities this morning my facetime on my phone rang and it was Robert! YEA!! Until I answered it and saw my video stream staring back at me with crazy hair, no makeup, huge shirt that I slept in last night... Holy Moly! Who the heck was that woman? Oh! ME...  Thankfully the connection failed! LOL! So, we just chatted on FB for a bit. So, I immediately made the decision that something had to be done about this. Something's gotta give! So, I decided that I am worth a shower... a FULL shower! With a razor and shaving cream and shampoo and conditioner and body wash... Oh... And lotion afterwards... from head to toe! AMAZING! Just thinking about it makes me want to do it again right now and my hair is still wet! LOL! How sad is that??? It took all of 15-20 minutes!

Have I convinced myself that I am not worth even 15-20 minutes a day? I can't blame the kids, they are at school all day! I can't blame my hubby! He's in AFRICA! So, it's gotta be me, right?! So, right now I am in a state of apology to myself! "Brandie, you are worth AT LEAST 15-20 minutes a day!"

The bible says MANY MANY times over to "Love your neighbor as you love yourself!"... if I did that based on what I have said in this post, I sure wouldn't be giving much now would I?

What about you? Are you worth it? 

Aberdeen, Scotland Part 1

Yes, I do know that we made that trip in January... but it's better late than never! :)

** Be warned... it may sound like I am moaning and griping about this trip... but I REALLY am not! I actually found it quite amusing that we had such bad luck along the way! We laughed about it the whole time... okay, well maybe not the whole time... but we do plan to go back one day!

So, here is what we learned in Scotland... don't go between October- April. Due to the bad weather they shut down all the attractions including VISITOR INFORMATION! We found their office and there was a little sign on the door "Returning April 2011". How sweet! :) It was 10 degrees warmer in Scotland than it was in Florida when we left home! We came with waterproof shoes and all the under armer we could carry in our suit cases and didn't really need it. lol! Oh well! Better safe than sorry! :)

So, we show up for Robert's school and guess what?? Twin beds... Twin beds with a night stand BOLTED TO THE WALL in between. Isn't that precious?! And they apparently don't use ice in their drinks because the hotel didn't even own a single ice bucket... I got the metal bucket every night (This is the good one, it actually looks like a wine holder or something... the first one was more of a janitor looking bucket. LOL!) No ice machine... So I had to bug the poor people at the front desk to bring it to me... every... single... night... bless them. I bet they were happy when we checked out!

The days were short so Robert left before sun up and didn't get back until after sun down but me and another Shan, another wife, decided to do the only thing we could in these circumstances... shop! :)

 We have TJ Maxx.. They have TK Maxx

 Of course Starbucks is universal...

 

Super cool! At least I got to hear and see a REAL bag pipe being played.

Queens Bridge

They were sandblasting the college. So pretty! It was glistening in the sun with all the granite!

Found a Maritime Museum with this model in it. Pretty fitting for our trip!



Shan and I quickly discovered that our taste buds were not accustomed to the local flavors... so the night the boys wanted to venture out of the hotel to find food instead of eating in... guess where we went???

TGIF's! :) The waitress gave me a menu and a pin to take back to my sister who is a fellow TGIF employee and I thought that was really sweet until we started to leave and she told me I had to hide it under my shirt... hmmm....

Stay tuned for more... Who knows when I'll get around to posting again. Could be tomorrow...could be next year! :) Goodnight!

Busy Busy Busy

Lately things have been so busy that I haven't even had time to get the pictures off the camera! If it's not been shot with my phone and then send to facebook, it just hasn't gotten done! LOL!
That is sad, but it's life also! Does anyone else feel like you are just running in circles? Good productive circles, mind you... but still circles!
I love being a mommy and a wife!
I catch myself thinking, "oh, I need to blog this"... but I never get the time to sit down and actually do it!

So, I will just start where I am and move forward while backing up! What??
Simply put, I plan to keep moving forward with my blogging efforts while taking extra time (ha ha ha) To back track here and there over what I've missed! Wish me luck!


In that spirit, here are some photos of what Ashleigh and I did yesterday! We had a great time at the Roy Hyatt Environmental Center with her 2nd grade class! So hard to believe that she will be in 3rd grade next year! (Even harder to believe that I will have 3 middle schoolers... but this is about Ashleigh!)

We learned about the sea life and how that beautiful sand comes from rocks and crystals being beaten by the wind and waves. And about all the beach creatures and how they contribute the the enviroment.

Then we took a scavanger walk on the nature trail identifying different plants and animals.

God has truely blessed us with so many beautiful things in nature. It is refreshing to stop and look around and just thank him for all of it. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the go, go, go of everyday life that we take for granted all the "little" things in life! Stop and kiss your babies no matter how old they are or where they are in life. Because time is not stopping for any man.

Britt's 5th Grade Field Trip

For their 5th grade field trip we took off for The Mobile Explorium and The Dolphin Island Sea Lab. It was a very fun filled day with lots of clowning around!

Ballerina?? Maybe not so much! :)

In front of the GIANT heart.

Horse Shoe Crab in the touch pool

I think she caught something here... not too sure!

Cheese!

Some of the 5th graders enjoying the outdoor section of the Sea Lab.

Brittanie's 5th grade year

Hard to believe that my first born is going to middle school next year! Just doesn't seem like it should be so soon. However, as each day goes by and I look at the beautiful young person she is turning into, I do realize that this is just part of life! Robert calls her butterfly... I can't think of a better name for her!

Citizenship!

Singing "There You'll Be"-- Faith Hill. Yes, I cried like a baby!

Mamaw, Me, Justin, Britt and PawPaw John after the ceremony.

Britt-Britt and Tay-Tay... soul sista's!

Ta and Britt getting ready for the Luah

5th grade Talent Show. Singing "Baby"-- Justin Beiber

Relay for life... Spiderman with the silly string! LOL!

Christmas party... nobody likes to have their picture taken with their mom in front of their friends... but she did it... reluctantly! LOL!

She played 2nd base this year. This was her 1st year of softball. She went from T-Ball to Minor League Baseball and then took a year or two off!

5th grade walk was emotional for her as she leaves to go to middle school because she knows that the kids are not all going to the same schools. This picture was on North Escambia's website and it made Robert and I both cry when we saw it from out of town.

God bless my child and guide her through these years and into adulthood. Help me to be what she needs me to be, in order for her to grow into the beautiful person you have called her to be! Amen.

Ashleigh's 1st Grade Year at a glance

Time sure does fly! It feels like she just started Kindergarten and here she is finishing up her 1st grade year. God has blessed me with some sweet sweet babies!

Ashleigh getting her 1st grade awards

Relay for Life

Making water globes and end of the year crafts!

Singing at Church for Easter

Christmas Party

+

Ashleigh's Grandparents Breakfast with Mamaw and Gran Cindy

Trying to win candy out of Gran Cindy's machine

@ the skating rink with the other Hannah R.

She was a Vampire Queen for Halloween

Cheerleading (she was crying in this picture because they didn't win 1st place! LOL!)

At our school Carnival with the Fire Dog